3.29.2007

Ive been tryin to get down, to the heart of the matter...

Why is forgiveness so elusive? Since childhood I was raised in the church and taught that I should 'forgive others as Christ forgave me', did I just not get it? Why is it so hard to let go?

The ironic thing is that I've had a hard heart before, and I remember the feeling of letting go. The release that comes with opening my clenched fist and releasing the tension. It's more than just getting things straight, it's a conscious decision to stop being frustrated and filled with anger. It's letting go.

Why is it so hard? You lay in bed one night and weep because it hurts so much; they betrayed you, they hurt you, they insulted you, they broke you, the stole from you... and you weep and weep and weep... You finally let go. But the next morning you wake up and you're angry again. Something reminds you of the conflict, of what they did to you, and you're off again. There's violence in your veins and anger in your heart.

Then you weep and weep and let go again...

But it's not so bad the next day. You hear their name, you see a picture, you read an email and you flare up again, but not as hot. It's like the fire is cooling and you stir the ashes a little. The fire flares up, but it's not a bright, it's not as hot and it'll die down again.

But my natural instinct is to stir the coals. Pile 'em up because I want to flare up again.

God grant me peace.

No comments: