4.04.2007

I was looking back through my blogs...

And I really seem to be very up and down, emotionally.

Well, that's because I am right now. Anybody else ready to kill the 'American Dream' and replace it with the 'American existence'? because that's what we've become. That's what I've become, anyway.

What am I pursuing? A good job; where I don't loath going to work and where I don't have to worry about which meals I have to skip to make ends meet. Pursuing my perceived calling in life; so I can love what I do, rather than just do what I do.

But in all the applications and interviews, I doubt myself. I've never been good at tooting my own horn, and to a certain point, I refuse to do so. I doubt myself, I doubt my qualifications, and when I'm at my weakest, I doubt my calling.

Was it really God calling me to Worship ministry, or did I just doubt myself and assume I would never make it in the music industry? I've been watching the development of the industry on the internet and I know I no longer want to be a part of the 'big business' of music, but I love the way the independent industry is moving. More personal, more real, more open, more like people I'd want to know, not just listen to.

But then I turn and doubt that too. It just goes on and on and on...

I woke up this morning and for the first time in a long time, I didn't get out of bed, I just laid there. I've never had a lack of motivation to get out of bed in the morning, until today. I just laid there "why would I get up, today can't be better than Yesterday, there's no point"

I was convicted on my way to work by the lyrics to a song. I posted it before, but I'm going to re-post the part that kicked my butt.

This is what I have been given
And I will make the best I can
There's a joy we find in living
And a love that's in your hand

Perhaps I've put this the best my self, this is a lyric from a song I'm writing called 'This Bitter Earth'

I'm still wandering this bitter earth
I'm still wandering this bitter earth
looking for release.

Peace

2 comments:

Jen said...

That lyric is pretty deep. It fit my day and made me wake up a little bit. thanks!

Christopher said...

I'm glad it encouraged you