I was looking back through my blogs...

And I really seem to be very up and down, emotionally.

Well, that's because I am right now. Anybody else ready to kill the 'American Dream' and replace it with the 'American existence'? because that's what we've become. That's what I've become, anyway.

What am I pursuing? A good job; where I don't loath going to work and where I don't have to worry about which meals I have to skip to make ends meet. Pursuing my perceived calling in life; so I can love what I do, rather than just do what I do.

But in all the applications and interviews, I doubt myself. I've never been good at tooting my own horn, and to a certain point, I refuse to do so. I doubt myself, I doubt my qualifications, and when I'm at my weakest, I doubt my calling.

Was it really God calling me to Worship ministry, or did I just doubt myself and assume I would never make it in the music industry? I've been watching the development of the industry on the internet and I know I no longer want to be a part of the 'big business' of music, but I love the way the independent industry is moving. More personal, more real, more open, more like people I'd want to know, not just listen to.

But then I turn and doubt that too. It just goes on and on and on...

I woke up this morning and for the first time in a long time, I didn't get out of bed, I just laid there. I've never had a lack of motivation to get out of bed in the morning, until today. I just laid there "why would I get up, today can't be better than Yesterday, there's no point"

I was convicted on my way to work by the lyrics to a song. I posted it before, but I'm going to re-post the part that kicked my butt.

This is what I have been given
And I will make the best I can
There's a joy we find in living
And a love that's in your hand

Perhaps I've put this the best my self, this is a lyric from a song I'm writing called 'This Bitter Earth'

I'm still wandering this bitter earth
I'm still wandering this bitter earth
looking for release.



Jen said...

That lyric is pretty deep. It fit my day and made me wake up a little bit. thanks!

Christopher said...

I'm glad it encouraged you