Today I had one of those strange moments where 2 or 3 things that have been spinning around in my head all stopped and fell into place at the same time.
I'm not sure when I read/heard it, but I've had a passage from the gospel of Matthew running through my head.
"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'
I've been particularly struck by Jesus stating that "I never knew You." How is that possible? Doesn't he know every hair on my head? Everyday that has been ordained for me? (psalm 137)
The second thought is about how much I despise my job. I'm not right for it, it's not right for me, but I can't afford to just drop it.
I feel this so strongly that I've been working on my resume, perusing the job listings on churchstaffing.com, taking notes and praying that the right job would come along, that I'd get it.
The problem is that I often get carried away with it. I start thinking that I need to write more songs, blog about worship, play in the band, talk to more Pastors... and soon, in my mind anyway, it all becomes about that. My prayed life is reduced from 'Our Father, who art in heaven...' into 'Gimmie, gimmie'.
So today I was cleaning carpet, it occured to me that my faith had become an escape plan. I prayed and read my bible with the hope that God would honor my 'faithfulness' and deliver me from my supposed darkness. My faith has become a bargain, I'll scratch your back...
Worse than that I justified it with the idea that I was doing it for God's glory. "God, give me the best songs to write so I can get a worship leader job and glorify your name"
How wrong is that?
As I was moving a couch today I found myself on my knees. "God be my one thing, the same one thing that David sought."
One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4
I don't want to be cast out "I never knew you." God gives me the choice to pursue Him, he doesn't force himself on anyone. It seems like everything comes back to my relationship with Him rather than simple devotion. Devotion is good, but it's empty when it's alone.
So God grant me patience to endure what I percieve to be a crap job. Grant me wisdom to draw near to you, because I need you to draw near to me. I refuse to let You become a golden ticket, be my one thing.