Worship this morning was great. Pastor Tim's last Sunday, but it was a party, not a funeral, and no pity. Our ABF was cool, God literally answered a prayer during class. On our way to the nursery we were intercepted by Pastor Russ, who had a contract for me to sign. I'm now the Worship leader from January 1 until they find someone else. Sweet.
Lunch was great at Mom and Dad's. Timmy was as well behaved as he gets, even considering he didn't get a nap.
Played one of my dad's nice guitars for a while, Timmy danced around the basement. Always cool.
This evening we went to a worship 'concert' at FRC. I honestly had a few reservations about going, but I didn't think it was a big deal, because it wasn't a normal service, the day was going so great; etc.
It was awkward, but not bad, I thought that I would be fine.
But the longer I was there the more it felt wrong. I realize that things have changed, I didn't realize how much they had changed. This is going to sound shallow, but I know they play more 'Gospel' music now rather than the Rock/Pop I prefer. Not my cup of tea so I have a hard time digging into it.
Soon I realized that I was critiquing everything. Not the music, or the musicians or the Leaders, but the songs. One of my big gripes with Gospel music it the extreme lack of depth. I know it's there, but the stuff I hear don't got it. I'm huge on not playing songs that aren't great. Hence I've rarely, if ever, used my own songs in worship, despite the fact that I've been rather prolific in my rather short career as a song-smith.
Timmy started getting really fussy at this point, so we went for a walk. We ran into Katie, who wanted to talk, but was in the middle of youth group so I sent her on her way.
We went back into the service as a song was ending. Jeremy stood up and began a sort of pep talk. He was talking about how God is All-Mighty. Not sorta-Mighty or Sometimes-Mighty, but Almighty. This is where I started crying.
"God doesn't care about the doctor's diagnosis, he's got his own opinion. He doesn't care about the 'impossible' he wrote the book on what's possible." (I'm a little frustrated, because I know it, but i have a hard time translating that knowledge into faith) "God doesn't care about your financial problems, He owns everything." (I stand up and get my coat) "God doesn't care what people say is impossible" (I kiss Timmy and Jessica and run out the door. I did have to be at Circuit City at 7:15, but I was very early.)
It just felt wrong, produced, fake, even. I KNOW it wasn't so the problem lies with me.
The problem is my faith and my lack thereof. I have a hard time connecting belief and Faith. It seems like you can't have one without the other, but that's now true. I have the belief that God has good plans for me, but I can't turn that into faith that he will follow through on them.
Hebrews describes Faith as "Being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I'm very uncertain of what I don't see and unsure of what I hope for.
I know what I hope for, I'm unsure that it will ever happen. I'm starting to outright doubt it. I wrestle with it everyday, while I'm cleaning carpet. "Will You ever deliver me out of this and into the career you created me for?" is a rather common prayer on my lips.
Sometimes I question if I've been wrong all along and I decided for myself what my calling was. I don't think that's the case because I came reluctantly into worship ministry, it wasn't my idea.
But it also isn't working out. I graduated several years ago and have been leading in church for longer than that. Every church I send a resume to sends me a 'thanks for your interest' letter, but nothing else.
What am I supposed to do here? Do I give up my dream and stop hoping for it, so I don't have to be mad at God? Would that simply make me mad at God because I had to give up my dream?
I'm so broken, that I don't remember what I used to look like.
Maybe I just need truth. To re-discover the simplicity of Christ and Him crucified. To dwell and walk in that reality and see things through that lens.