For a long time I've been questioning my direction and calling in this life. Am I supposed to lead worship? Am I supposed to be doing...? Where are You leading me?
I slept less, I stressed more, I got physically sick. I quit caring, I quit trying. I gave up.
Then I was asked to lead worship at FPCC for a while, until they get their ducks in a row.
I lead worship once a few weeks ago and it revitalized me in a way I didn't anticipate.
I don't need to lead. I was not born to be a worship leader.
I was cleaning someone's carpet the following Monday or Tuesday when I realized that leading worship is just a reaction. A reaction to Christ's action on the cross. A very un-equal reaction, but a reaction. I also react to the cross by seasoning my conversation with grace.
I get the chance to minister to people who are in pain, everyday. They invite me into their homes and tell me what's happened and ask that I clean the remains from the carpet. I do my best to encourage them, to give them hope with a smile, to inspire them if I can. I know quite well that they need people who are in their lives to rally around them, but I do what I can. Sometimes I just clean their carpet and wish them a 'great day'. Other times I share the love of Christ when I feel they'll listen. Other times I ask if I can pray for them. I usually do anyway, but I like to pray when they can hear.
I guess the thing that changed in me is the realization that I was not born to lead worship, I was born to love God. After that I was born to love Jessica. Then, to be a father and a son and a brother. After that I was born to love everyone else. The details of how I love may or may not be that important.
Maybe I've been holding onto my dreams so tightly I couldn't embrace anything else.
Part of me thinks "maybe God will give me my dream once I've learned to live without it" but thinking that is just another way of holding onto it.
Sometime, I've gotta let it go.